"Sick"/Schoolwork
June 08, 2004 | 9:26 PM

I stayed home “sick” today. Problems with that? For one, the stomachache/headache that I was complaining of are the same constant things I always seem to have. For two, by noon I was feeling really, really guilty and really, really hating myself for it.

See, there was the little problem of my math homework. It never got done last night, and when I set my alarm for five to do it I did not expect an hour to fall asleep and a 2:10 wake-up. Four and a half hours of sleep and being able to do math was not about to happen. That I knew of that homework was three grades in the gradebook, though now I know it was really only two.

So I figured, hey. It’s the second to last day of having these classes. I know we’re just watching a movie in History. I know that in math we have the county quarter assessment (which is part of the problem—no way I could pass that on four and a half hours of sleep, no matter how easy it is). In Spanish we have our last “smart paragraph” and whatever else Thill decides to have us do. In Art—who knows what? I finished my thing on Friday, and from what Seebeck was saying, I doubt it’ll be ready for me to do the next thing to it today. It’s an easy day. I can just skip it, no big deal.

And then tonight I start feeling really, really bad.

I’m about ready to say, “Okay, it’s the end of the year, I don’t care anymore.” I’ve had enough. I’m sick of it. I’ve had a whole year of this stuff and I’m tired.

And worst thing? I’m having trouble understanding the stuff, at least in math. I don’t understand the law of sines and the law of cosines at all. And hey, we have a test on this on Thursday.

And the review! I can’t seem to do that either! I got it at the time. Yes, I was sitting there doing workbook pages that no one else was doing, but I learned the stuff and I did fine on the tests. And all of a sudden I don’t remember how to do any of it and we have an exam first thing Monday morning.

I’m sitting here and I really want to quit but I know I can’t. I have an A+ in Algebra right now, and I want to keep that. As for exams—I’ve seen my semester grades and my year grades go down from exams before. I don’t want that this year. There’s the little problem of caring about my GPA. The little problem of caring about my grades and about how I do and I know that if I give up I’m going to hate myself.

If I can get this math done and if I can finish up the weaving for art (fat chance, it’ll take all weekend and maybe even that won’t do it) I’ll have my first Straight A’s since fifth grade. I don’t want to lose that.

And yet I can’t get rid of the physical pain and the mental pain of knowing that a) I’m struggling with my schoolwork and b) I’m actually thinking of giving up.

Sigh. Major, major sigh.